Waiting for Isaac

I want to start this post by thanking everyone who has supported Terence and I over the past two weeks. We have felt so loved and uplifted by our family and friends and it has been like a balm for our weary hearts. I am so grateful to be a part of such a fantastic Christian community.

It has taken me a while to sit down and write this post, but I believe the hesitation is linked to a very important lesson God wanted to teach me today.

I have been wrestling with my feelings and wrestling with God. There are so many ‘unknowns’ to this story and I have struggled to trust God with the answers. I’ve asked Him repeatedly why He allowed J-bug to fit so perfectly into our family and then have her taken away from us? Why something ‘felt’ different about this precious child and yet that ‘feeling’ led to empty arms? Why He gave me a ‘mother’s heart’ and yet I feel unable to use it? I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt watching my social worker drive away with Little J. The heaviness of my heart clashed against the emptiness of my arms. The quiet that night was deafening. The little world I had created dissolved before my eyes.

We never set out to adopt this baby. I know that. She was supposed to stay with us for a short time only. We allowed ourselves to dream and fall in love and I allowed myself to play ‘mommy’ in my mind. We foolishly ‘created’ a family of three when that was never the plan. How I wish that was the plan, but evidently, despite trying everything, our princess had to move on, as she was always meant to do.

Even though I know all of this to be true, I have struggled to find any peace about the situation. When my other three babies left, I felt incredibly sad and yet I knew they were meant for other families and so my heart was at rest. This time, my heart was at war with logic and it did a real number on my emotions.

Do I believe Terence and I would have been fantastic parents to little J?

Yes.

Have I been allowing myself to dream that maybe my social worker would phone us and bring J back, or J’s birth mother would somehow find out about us and want her daughter to come and live with us?

Yes.

Do I realise that by holding on to these futile dreams, I am harming myself, upsetting my husband and trying to manipulate God?

Ashamedly, yes!

On Sunday night, Terence and I had a heart-to-heart. It was good and it was hard. I needed to hear my husband’s wise words. I realise that by fighting the process I am robbing myself of the time to properly heal and feel sad about missing J. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to miss her. I am allowed to cry. I am not allowed to torture myself and undermine God’s plan in this situation by refusing to acknowledge His sovereignty. I refuse to undo the wonderful thing that happened in our home, where a little girl was loved and cherished and given a good start to life, and where we were blessed abundantly by having her with us. I refuse to allow the hurt to mar this process  and prevent us from caring for other children in need. I will not let what we did be in vain.

This brings me to today’s lesson. God is showing me His grace in many ways, dear friends. The Monday after J left I started another part-time job. My boss is a Christian who has a passion for the vulnerable and the lost. God has used him to help me understand His nature better over these past few weeks and I have been very blessed by our conversations. Today I admitted to my boss that I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t be J’s mother and why, despite my gifts in this area, I am not a mother at all.

And then he said something very profound.

“Julie, you need to ask God to give you an Isaac and you need to be willing to wait for him. You cannot create a family your way. It has to be God’s way.”

boom, light bulb on.

Sarah and Abraham were desperate for a child. They doubted they would ever have a son and yet God gave them Isaac in His perfect time, despite their doubts and yet acknowledging their desire to be parents.

I realised that I tried to create a family with J in it, based on what I want and not what God wants. I have refused to trust God and have allowed myself to forget that He is good to His people. I diminish the blessings God gives me by comparing myself to others. I have been wearing clothes of entitlement, believing that I deserve a child because I’d be such a good mother (I’m embarrassed to have to type that last sentence). And I have been unfairly angry at God for not giving me the desire of my heart on my schedule.

pfft…lesson learnt, God. You are clearly a better organiser and life-planner than I am 🙂

And so I am going to pray for my ‘Isaac’.

That the Lord will bless us with a child/ children through adoption or the old fashioned way when He desires. His timeline, not mine.

That I will trust in His goodness.

That I will be patient (Julie weakness alert!)

And in the mean time, that He will draw our hearts nearer to His.

That He will allow me to expand my definition of ‘mother’ to include a role so much bigger than our nuclear family.

And expand my capacity to love people.

To be used for His glory.

And to be content.

Precious baby feet

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Waiting for Isaac

  1. Wow, God is doing an amazing work in your life Julie! May you be always amazed at His goodness in your life. I’m praying that you will be blessed with an Isaac in God’s time. I love His sovereignty that allows us to trust him fully – giving us the FREEDOM. continue to plug into His word that will help the healing process. you have been on my heart so much the past couple of weeks. Mentioned your story to my hubby and he’s also praying for you and Terence. Take of each other’s hearts.

      • So true Julie, a choice we make everyday, to trust Him and put on our robe of righteousness – love and faithfulness and the Armor of God. 🙂 I meant to type – Take care of each other’s hearts. 🙂 Thanks for following my blog – still a work in progress 🙂

  2. Oh my heart hears yours my friend… I have spent many days praying about having a baby (before we had E) and was so resentful towards God for letting my friends all have babies while we struggled… even my unmarried friends. And even now I ask Him why we’re not expecting another one yet, when we so clearly gave our children and the spacing to Him. I need to laugh… we gave that over to Him and yet I want Him to hurry up and give me another child.

    I hope and pray that the Father who knows you as His beloved daughter, would send your “Isaac” to you within His perfect time… and that until then you and Terence will grow closer and stronger and that He will be enough for you!

    Much love, sweetheart!

    • Thanks Liz, I know how you feel. It’s a fine line between the good of wanting a family and the bad of idolising our potential, future children. Lots of prayer, wisdom and trust involved.

  3. Julie, you have learned very early that Love hurts! We can either then choose not to love so we have no pain, or bravely go out and love with all our heart and accept the pain that is the flip side of the coin. Love is always the better choice! Big hugs

  4. Hi Jules. Another beuatifully written piece. Your wisdom and life experience feeds into so many people’s brokeness, desperation and I think for the most part, into people’s memory banks for when they are in need of advice, and then they can draw strength from your testimony! You just keep writing, and we’ll all just keep reading and be blessed!
    Love to Big T!!

    Brad

  5. Love you lots my friend! I will continue to pray that the Lord will bless you with contentment. It’s such a tough one for us organised, planning-ahead types!
    Shout if there is anything else we can do…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s